People get drunk
They hook up with the wrong person
And pretend to be okay
People act tough
And get mad
People will do anything to distract their heart.
They will do anything to distract it from missing someone.
i always asked myself “why do women stay with men who treat them badly? they deserve someone who will treat them right.” i now completely understand why. heres my story:
i reconnect with an old guy friend and we go on a date. we hit it off and he is a total sweetheart. a month goes by and he seems like the perfect guy and i had no idea what i did to manage him. but as time goes by things change. he slept over one night and when i woke up, i showed him a text but once he started scrolling through my phone i took it back. had i know this would cause world war 3 i wouldn’t have done it.
at first everything was fine and dandy. he kissed me goodbye and that i’d see him later. the next day he texts me asking about why i had taken my phone away and accused me of talking to other guys. he made me feel like complete shit. he yelled at me over the phone. he made me text every single guy on my phone telling them i was seeing him. he made me show him every single conversation on my phone. he told me i was just like every other girl and he never wants to talk to me again i was absolutely crushed and heartbroken and scared. i really liked this guy and i hadn’t been talking to other guys anyway! plus i had never had a guy yell at me in a scary tone as he had done.
the fight ended with him saying he no longer wants to see or speak to me. few minutes he does a full 360 and tells me how cute we look in a picture. he says how he really does want to date me but his last relationship ended poorly. so at this time we were okay, we were going to work it out.
the next day we are generally okay, we are obviously texting each other a bit wearily but were texting. he calls me and we are laughing and having a good time. i make a comment on my friends bf and he flips out completely saying this was a bad idea and we shouldn’t talk. we get into another huge fight of him yelling at me. and pretty much just putting me down and making me feel like shit.
the same thing happens the next couple of days. i was exhausted. i could not take anymore fights because it was breaking me down. our last phone call ended with us both agreeing that we should leave it and not talk anymore. of course an hour after the call he is telling me how much he really like me. and of course i go right back to him. no questions asked i let him back. i gave in.
now i am terrified of talking to any other guy so i delete every thing on my phone. i don’t tell him certain things in order for him to stay in a good mood. we aren’t even dating but i would do anything for him. i let him take complete control over my life. and at any point i feel like he’s going to leave i get anxious and do anything to keep him. i try to tell myself all the sweet things he does makes up all the shit things he does to me. which is bad. thats not how a relationship should be and i know it. but i can’t leave. he tells me that he can treat me better than any other guy out there. i believe him. i believe if we can get pass the fights then he will go back to treating me like a princess.
i don’t know why. he honestly does treat me poorly and makes me hate myself and makes me think everything is my fault. maybe he’s right idk. he is destroying me and I’m letting him. i have friends who tell me “leave him or i won’t speak to you anymore” and I’m still with him.
so i now understand why women stay. we’re brainwashed. we make excuses for mens behaviour. we take the blame. we are so in love with men that we don’t want them to leave, even if he makes us feel like shit. even if we are put down. we are powerless because we gave men all the control. we have low self-esteem and it just gets sucked away till its at nothing. so when men make us feel good it helps us out and we forget about the shitty things he’s done before. they make us believe that no one is better than him, that we should be honoured that we are the women they chose to be with. and we fall for all the bullshit they feed us. it sucks. it really really does.
i’m scared of
- eating too much
- eating too little
- getting too big
- getting too small
- not recovering
- having too much control
- losing control
my mind makes no sense and i’m tired of this battle